How Many Times Can a Heart Be Broken?

In honor of my little brother, who passed away on May 14, 2013. He was forty-four years old. You are dearly loved and greatly missed, little brother. 

Hey there my bloggy friends. I didn't forget about you. I have been going through so much junk lately that I was beginning to wonder if I was ever going to get my head above water again. I have felt like I was drowning in heartache and pain lately. My brother passed away suddenly a little over a month ago and that has been very difficult for me. I still feel like I'm frozen in time. I feel like time just stopped the day he died. I still cannot believe he's really gone. I look back at pictures of us when we were kids and wonder when I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and see him again. I think what hurts the most is I didn't get the chance to tell him how much I loved him before he died. I thought I would be seeing him the next day, but that didn't happen. It's also hard not knowing what happened to cause his death. All we know is that he stopped breathing and didn't respond to efforts to resuscitate him.

He suffered so much in this life. He had a mental illness, which stole so much from him. I choose to remember him before he had all those struggles with that illness. He was carefree and liked to make people laugh. He was always joking around. He loved sports and played many of them when he was a kid. He was a darn good baseball and basketball player, and he could throw a mean bowling ball. I remember when he broke his nose while he was playing basketball when he was younger. I think I cried more than he did because I knew he was in so much pain. He got quite a few injuries from all those adventures.

I have my memories to hold onto, but they can never replace having him here. I still cry almost everyday because I miss him so much. It's been really hard on my mom because she and my brother were together everyday. He lived with her and she took care of him, so this has been a huge change for her. I cannot imagine the pain she is going through with losing a child. No matter how old our children get, they are still our babies and that never changes.

Sometimes I wonder how many times our hearts can be broken. It seems mine has been broken many times over the last few years. Hopefully, God will take all the broken pieces and make something beautiful and valuable from it.

I read this the other day and thought it was very interesting. "In fifteenth century Japan, a shogun damaged a precious Chinese bowl, causing cracks to splinter across the small vessel. Fearful of the cracks growing, the shogun took the bowl to a craftsman and asked him to repair it in such a way that it would become more valuable than before. The craftsman filled the cracks with lacquer resin sprinkled with powdered gold. Called kintsugi, “golden joinery” in English translation, the technique became highly desired, and it wasn’t long before cracked and repaired pottery was more valuable than pristine vessels."

That gives me hope that out of all the pain I've been walking through, there will be something beautiful that arises from these ashes. Hopefully, God will repair what's been broken with something to make it even more beautiful and valuable than it was before.

None of us are promised tomorrow, or the next moment for that matter. If you have people in your life that you love and who mean the world to you, please tell them now, while you still have the chance. If there have been harsh words or hurt feelings between you and someone you love, try to make things right and don't focus so much on who's right or wrong. We are only given this very moment we live in and after it's gone, well, there's no getting it back.

I wish a thousand times I had just one more moment with my brother, so I could tell him how much I love him. I tell him every day now, and I hope he can hear me, but it's just not the same thing. I know one day this ache in my heart will lessen and I will finally be able to think about him without crying, but until that time, I will just take one moment at a time. The comfort I try to hold on to is in knowing that he is finally free of that mental illness and he is finally at peace, and I will see him again one day. Rest in peace little brother. Rest in peace.

Until next time my friends, I love you and I appreciate each one of you. Be blessed!

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs heavy oer your head
Know that tomorrow brings
Wholeness and healing
God knows your need
Just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

(Lyrics from Beauty for Ashes by Crystal Lewis)

*Pictures taken from:
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